Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
