DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
