Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
