Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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