just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
