seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
