Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
