I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
