So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize