I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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