You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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