I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
