ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
