The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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