You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
