Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
