I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
