You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Randomize
