Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
