happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
