Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
