he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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