so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Randomize
