I smell stomach acid.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
