guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
