we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
