I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
