i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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