You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
