I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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