Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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