i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
