I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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