You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
