you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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