Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
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At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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