I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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