i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
