no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Randomize
