it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
