hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
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All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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