Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
