Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
