I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
