Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
