i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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