She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
being pregnant is like rehab
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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