i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
