I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
