Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
