i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill