im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water