Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
