im about as happy as oj after his trial
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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