we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
