I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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