apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
