I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
