I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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