i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
